Disclaimer: All characters and setting belong to Roddenberry/Kirschner, among others.

Spoilers: Season 2.

Author's note: Really spur-of-the moment fic. I guess you could say that even Liam questions his existance sometimes....

The Illusion Sits Well With Me
by Estirose (Angel Island)
copyright 2000

Dad,

What were you thinking when I was conceived?

Was I really the result of an imperative, or did you really want me? Would you have loved me if you had survived, or would you have pitied me for my existence? Would you have loved Mother, or was she a means to an end?

Would you be disappointed in me now? Would my powers have gone away if you were here? Would I be who I had been, or would you have hidden me away? Would I have even been human, or would you have tried to raise me in a more Kimera world than a human one? Would mom have let you? Would you have cared?

I'd like to think you would. I cannot think of it any other way. I know better than to put you on a pedestal, but you can't have been as horrible as you were in that dimension.

I know I came into this world because you didn't think you had to seek my other parents' consent. From what vague memories came out of the woman before my mother, I know that she was too busy trying to jump your bones. You touched her and she wanted to, just like you didn't allow my mother to decide. You just took her, just like you took my other father.

I can't decide if I love you or hate you.

My mother never, except for a few brief hours, knew I existed. The strain of joining with you killed her CVI and nearly killed her with it. I don't know why Doors saved my mother instead of lending credence to Lili's tale of you killing her. Maybe Dr. Park talked him out of it. It would make more sense.

You've left me in a world where I'm very much alone, father. You were so busy protecting my mother that you forgot about yourself. And with no one to save my mother, she was forced back into the service of the Taelons. Of course she died, just like anyone the Taelons touch. Just like, sometimes, I despair that humanity is going to die despite everything I do.

I don't even know why Da'an wants to keep me around. That's right, I work with Taelons on a regular basis, father. You gave me two Companion Protectors for parents, so how could I avoid wanting to be one? And I'm going to keep doing it. Da'an is the only one who can understand, even remotely, this part of me that came from you.

I don't want to depend on him, but I do. I still haven't told him that I haven't felt my shaquarava for the last week, and even the marks have disappeared. Maybe since I live among humans, I have adapted to being human. Eventually maybe I will become human.

I don't mind. Even this illusion seems more comforting than the reality that I am not full human. They can't hate me if they don't know I'm different, after all.

And if you hate me for that, I'll just have to put up with it. Maybe it's best that you're not here.

Your son.

-end


Earth: Final Conflict fanfic