Disclaimer: The characters and events are property of Tribune and Roddenberry-Kirschner, and I am receiving no profit from this story.

Author's Note: This is a Siobhan Beckett piece, set shortly after "First of Its Kind" and has spoilers for such. It was originally posted on Philosophy Sphere's fan fiction posting board on June 1, 1999 under my nick "Angel Island", though with different paragraph breaks.

This piece won 3rd place in the "Best Beckett story" category in the 1999 PhilosophySphere Shaquarava awards.

To Not Know
by Estirose
copyright 1999

She sat at the seashore, dreaming. Or, rather, remembering. What she experienced was more a CVI-aided random connection of images, in the hopes that she would understand what had gone on in those hours that she just couldn't remember. Her Companion had suggested it, perhaps in the hopes that she would be at full efficiency again.

So, she sat on the beach, her mind mostly occupied with all she could remember. But she had not come up with anything, other than the cry of a baby, which she had easily traced back to a cousin's baby shower. She wished she understood what the baby's cry meant.

Only darkness in her memory, where she should have recalled anything and everything. She remembered helping tracking Ha'gel down after her attempts to trace the Washington leak had gone nowhere. She must have joined the search, but she didn't remember. Sandoval, acting under his own Companion's instructions, had shown her all the sites involved in their chase of Ha'gel, but none had sparked any memories to her.

She would have given a lot to know what happened. She'd been found too far away from Ha'gel's known locations to be involved with him. But, still, Captain Marquette had said Ha'gel had killed her. She frowned.

Perhaps what Marquette had seen was not her death, but her freedom. Maybe Ha'gel had found some way to control her, and what had appeared to be her death was merely her release from his mental control. He had to be dangerous for the Taelons to fear him.

She rubbed her temples. She knew far too little to surmise. Neither her intuition nor her runes had been of any help. It was as if she was meant to never know what happened. As if her not knowing had saved her life.

Shuddering, she watched the sea again.


Earth: Final Conflict fanfic